I'm going to try very hard not to be Debbie Downer. I just need to let all this stuff out before the new year begins. I am at work and feeling the need to express myself. I'm not in the most festive of moods today...instead I'm emotionally drained. This year has been a whirlwind of disappointing scenarios, unemployment, and emotional upheaval. I have never felt so unstable in all my life and I'm hoping it gets better. I am sure it has to in order to balance it all out. I'm not sure where I'm going or what path I'm suppose to take here, and it's all very opaque to me. I feel like I'm really aging at this point. Either I've been suffering and sacrificing for a grander outcome or this is a downward spiral to an oblivion of hell! I hope everyone else has better luck than me. I am not trying to think I'm the only person in the world, nor are my problems really that extreme. There are people I know that are dying as we speak which pains me, but somehow their station is desirable to me at this time. I sometimes want the sweet release of non-existence in this world...perhaps a figurative death is what I'm referring to here. There are some things I discovered about myself this year:
1. Crazy and neurotic people are attracted to me (mostly women)
2. I have no tolerance for people who do not have self confidence.
3. I do not trust anyone in the music industry....EVER.
4. I am a lover who loves to fight.
5. I threw my brain out the window at the end of the year and went back to thinking with my heart....bad choice but it is what it is.
6. My view of marriage is a bit different than it used to be.
7. I can eat vegetables.
8. I have a texting/facebook addiction.
9. I'm nobody's momma.
10. I can be a lazy bitch.
11. I am not a corporate person.
12. I have the capability to really destroy people's lives.
13. I found that I really like soup.
14. I have a deep deep connection with the music I listen to.
15. I miss traveling.
16. There are people out there who really believe in what I do.
17. I really wish I could help everyone.
18. I take on people's burdens.
19. I really enjoy men...not in "that" way, well yes I do, but mostly in the conversing sort of way. I'm calm when I talk to men it seems.
20. I will never really be the person everyone wants me to be and in that I will hurt some people.
All these things I've accepted. I'm just not sure where to go from here. Should I stay or should I go? Give me 17 back....hell give me back 22 maybe...yeah 22...can I have that back??? Can I have back all my recklessness? Can I have back my life without all this complicated bullshit? Please be kind and rewind?! I know, we all have to grow up sometime. We all need to be RESPONSIBLE...but why? If we're all dying then what difference does it make? Jeesh...ok I'm done...I think I've broken the seal. I can only hope for more transgression in the new year.
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